My Testimony:Part 3 {Miracles}

After I lost my twins I shut down completely.  I hated myself...I hated everyone.  I was angry, sad, wanted to die, stayed in bed, etc.  Life was over as far as I knew it.  I WAS ALL ALONE!!
I eventually went back to school and graduated then started working at a salon.  I was still in so much pain but by this point in my life I was a pro at hiding everything!  Plus Kelly had told me we would try for another baby!  This was the only way I knew to move on at the time.  Well as you can imagine every month I hoped was the month I was pregnant, and most of those months I was quick to find out I was not!!  I was slowly starting to think it was not going to happen.  I hated hearing of others getting pregnant and having babies. I even shut one friend out after she called me and was so excited she was pregnant ...and with her second child!
Well Christmas came and Kelly FINALLY asked me to marry him Christmas morning. And after like 5 years of waiting for him to ask I SAID YES!!  We decided then to wait on the baby until after our wedding.  Although I was a little upset about that I could live with it.  We planned for an October wedding and my mom took me the around Feb. to pick out my dress and that first trip I found the one. Mom paid for it all upfront and I was set...Little did I know I was also PREGNANT again!!!
I literally found out one or two days later I was pregnant.  Everything was going smoothly until it came time for my first ultrasound and to hear the baby's heartbeat...But the sac in my uterus was empty.  There was no developed baby and definitely no heartbeat.  I am pretty sure I  didn't have a heart beat now either.  And note I am all alone at this appointment.  The doctor send me home and puts me on bed rest for two weeks, then tells me after the two weeks I will come back for another ultrasound and we would see if I needed to schedule a D&C then.  Can you say what horrible flashbacks I was having!!  Well I went to my moms house and between all the crying I prayed and I prayed.  Now I hadn't prayed like this in quite some time.  I prayed and asked God for a miracle.  I asked for forgiveness.  I told Him if he would let me keep this baby(even though the doctors said they didnt even see a baby)  I would promise to give our lives devoted to Him.  Now isn't it just like a human to make a bargain deal with the Lord ha.  Looking back now this cracks me up thinking how I was telling God if He would do this ...then I would be the Christian I was suppose to be anyways. ...Anyways I laid in bed crying and praying for two weeks.  My next appointment was scheduled on my 21st birthday.  My mom and one of my cousins decided to both take me there for support.  Everyone was prepared for the worse...I knew this would either be the worse or best birthday ever.  Well let me jump ahead bc I get a little excited and say THIS WAS THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!  It was a miracle and I am sure some are going to think I am crazy which is one of the reasons I am so glad I had people with me to also witness what I am sharing....That once empty sac was now full of a bundle of joy..I lie you not..I get cold chills every time i think of this!!  Not only was there a baby but it had a healthy heartbeat!!!  There is absolutely no other explanation other than GOD GAVE ME A MIRACLE!!  Two weeks ago I had an empty sac now I had a baby in there with a beating heart!!  THANK YOU GOD FOR MY MIRACLE!!!  I do not thank him enough for showing us all how powerful He can be and how magical  He is.  I went on to deliver a healthy boy 7.5 months later!!!  After he was born we got married and I thought things were going to go great!!
Now after he was born I remembered my promise to God. He gave me my miracle and I had to get back in church...and I did...for a while.  Kelly was still struggling with his loss of his dad and was gone all the time.  Even he will tell you I basically raised Caleb (at first) all alone.  We fought a lot and I went back into my depression.  I was lonely, scared, and sad.  The only thing that made me happy and kept me going was my son!  I knew I had to be strong for him, and I tried my best.  Well when he was around a year old I found out we I was pregnant again.  of course I was thrilled.  Caleb brought more joy and happiness to me and the bond we had/have was more than I can ever describe!  Again I made a deal with God to let me have another healthy baby and THIS TIME I would for sure give my life to Him in return.  (still thinking I called the shots) Well once again God gave me another baby.  This time it was a girl and she was born around 6-7 weeks premature.  I did not even get a glance of her for over 24 hours !!!  I am not even joking!  She was having problems breathing and blood issues along with other issues.  But God once again gave me another miracle and Karsyn pulled through too.  She is the sweetest little girl with the biggest heart of any person I know.  Now I knew I had to keep my end of "MY" deal for sure this time.  And again I did..for the most part..when it was good for me.  When I could fit it in my schedule I would go to church, etc.  Sadly it was still not my top priority...  And I was about to head back down into another valley of depression.