Tuesday, November 20, 2012

My Testimony :Part 2 {ANGELS}

So now that you know a brief history of my childhood and youth let me continue.(if you missed yesterdays post click here)  So Kelly and I had been dating for a while when the time came for me to go to college (see Professional Student Post) and you will learn I missed him too much and could not stand being away from him.  He was the one who kept me going!  Away from him I could feel myself sinking back down and my poor self image getting worse.(note: while I was much happier I never got over my self image issues and still struggles with depression and anxieties)   So I came home after a semester and moved into an apartment with my oldest sister.  Well Kelly and I were together all the time.  I did everything with him.  I was so happy!!  I was in school (one of them, ha) and we were happy!  Then my sister decided to move back in with our mom for a while so I knew I couldn't stay at the apt. myself so I moved home also for a short time.  Although I usually ended up staying over at Kelly's house (well his dads really).  
Now Kelly has always been very involved in something...Dirt track racing, professional four wheeler racing, fixing up mustangs, drag racing, fishing, etc, etc, etc.  And I will remind you that up until around this period, whatever he did and wherever he went ...I WENT and DID.  (ok so I never raced but I was there and his biggest fan) Well slowly we did less and less together.  =(
Well as years past by we experienced the loss of K's dad...which was extremely hard on both of us. They were super close and over the years I had became very close to him as well. 
After his dad passed away K didn't stay home much at all...and left me there.  I knew he needed to be alone and this was his way of coping with his loss.  But then only a few months after his dad died I got a BIG SURPRISE:  I was pregnant!!!  I was so excited!!!  Now I am not so sure my family was (since we were not married, i was still in school etc) but I was.  I had always dreamed of being a mom (what little girl doesn't ..well most do, dont they)  and I thought this would bring Kelly and I back together and at the same time give me the perfect friend.  Now this was the happiest I had ever been (after the initial shock and fear of telling him and my parents).  Kelly was scared to death but still very supportive and excited.  
My family never turned me away either. Actually my mom took me shopping for my maternity clothes when i started getting big and was buying things for us for the baby etc.  Again I was the happiest I had ever been.  Then in the moments notice my life was turned back upside down.  I was at cosmetology school and went to the bathroom only to find blood all over my panties :( scared to death I knew this couldn't be a good sign.  A classmate rushed me to the ER and Kelly and my mom met us there.  I had to wait FOREVER to be seen only to be told I  would have to go to my hometown hospital/doctors office for any further treatment..I KNOW CRAZY!!!  Well so I get to my doctors office and they give me my ultrasound ...only now the doctor informs us not only am I pregnant but with TWINS!  He said I had some medical term word I didn't understand, but basically a "double uterus"  and the second baby was hidden and hard for previous ultrasound to show.   Now I am floored with emotions...YAY two babies, but wait are they ok??  The Dr put me on complete bed rest and told me one baby was good but  the other baby did not seem to being doing well at all.  I remember him saying something about baby A holding on to baby B....excuse my tears this is still very hard to remember and all a blur.  I went home only to start having SEVERE pains and what they described at my next visit to the ER as labor pains.  My body was going into labor and I was going to lose a baby or babies.  Well I was out of control and feel sorry for anyone who had to be around me because no one was going to take my baby.  Well then the dr comes in and says they are both gone...and no he was not very sweet about telling me.  So all I can remember next is them HAVING no choice but to put me to sleep and when I woke up I knew they were both in heaven.  Now I still have very hard issues with this subject and still felt like something else could of been done...maybe it is just  denial i don't know but there is not a single day I do not think about my twins.  They were my first babies and my kids now know they are their guardian angels!  I love them FOREVER and can't wait till the day I can hold them tightly in my arms. Until then....I have came to peace knowing they will never suffer or feel any pain.  They will never shed a tear and they are so lucky to only live such a perfect life with our Father in heaven.  I was sad when K's dad passed away, then I was sad thinking how our babies would not have the chance to know their grandfather...but know they are all 3 in heaven together. I know they are having a great time and I tell them everyday.... MOMMY LOVES YOU!!!



{To be continued....Do I share part 3 today as well or tomorrow?}

10 comments:

  1. Is there a part 3? Because, it doesn't seem like an ending. I'd love to read more!

    Tina - American mom raising 4 kids in South Africa
    http://abooksandmore.blogspot.com and
    http://happymomshappyhomes.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. This post really brought tears to my eyes. I do not know what I would have done in your shoes. You are much stronger than you know and I am inspired by it. I almost lost my first child due to bleeding but luckily we were able to save him and he has the most beautiful smile I ever saw.
    Jillian
    http://puzzlemecomplete.blogspot.com/2012/11/mom-vs-me.html

    ReplyDelete
  3. I have no words...tears in my eyes...I cannot imagine your grief and am so sorry for your loss! But how beautiful that heavenly day will be when you can hold them in your arms again! What a powerful, moving testimony. Stopping by from the Monday Meet-up. Have a blessed day!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I can't imagine. Thank you for being so transparent on this blog. I felt like I knew you from the moment I started reading your blog and boy--I really feel like I know you now. God Bless you and I can't wait to read more.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Glad you are continuing your story. Also so sorry for your loss lovey. Praying for you sweet girl.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wow. what a strong testimony, thank you for sharing! I just found your adorable blog through the blog hop! I am excited to be your newest follower and get to know you. I would love for you to stop by and follow along if you'd like :)

    sjdmiller.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  7. I could relate to EVERY single emotion you wrote regarding your miscarriage. Keep sharing!!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. what a refreshing blog, I am so sorry by your loss but praise you for being so open. thanks for linking up!
    Helene in Between

    ReplyDelete
  9. Wow! What amazing post! I am so sorry for your loss!

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for taking the time to visit my blog. I appreciate each and every comment. Have a blessed day.