My Testimony:Part 3 {Miracles}

After I lost my twins I shut down completely.  I hated myself...I hated everyone.  I was angry, sad, wanted to die, stayed in bed, etc.  Life was over as far as I knew it.  I WAS ALL ALONE!!
I eventually went back to school and graduated then started working at a salon.  I was still in so much pain but by this point in my life I was a pro at hiding everything!  Plus Kelly had told me we would try for another baby!  This was the only way I knew to move on at the time.  Well as you can imagine every month I hoped was the month I was pregnant, and most of those months I was quick to find out I was not!!  I was slowly starting to think it was not going to happen.  I hated hearing of others getting pregnant and having babies. I even shut one friend out after she called me and was so excited she was pregnant ...and with her second child!
Well Christmas came and Kelly FINALLY asked me to marry him Christmas morning. And after like 5 years of waiting for him to ask I SAID YES!!  We decided then to wait on the baby until after our wedding.  Although I was a little upset about that I could live with it.  We planned for an October wedding and my mom took me the around Feb. to pick out my dress and that first trip I found the one. Mom paid for it all upfront and I was set...Little did I know I was also PREGNANT again!!!
I literally found out one or two days later I was pregnant.  Everything was going smoothly until it came time for my first ultrasound and to hear the baby's heartbeat...But the sac in my uterus was empty.  There was no developed baby and definitely no heartbeat.  I am pretty sure I  didn't have a heart beat now either.  And note I am all alone at this appointment.  The doctor send me home and puts me on bed rest for two weeks, then tells me after the two weeks I will come back for another ultrasound and we would see if I needed to schedule a D&C then.  Can you say what horrible flashbacks I was having!!  Well I went to my moms house and between all the crying I prayed and I prayed.  Now I hadn't prayed like this in quite some time.  I prayed and asked God for a miracle.  I asked for forgiveness.  I told Him if he would let me keep this baby(even though the doctors said they didnt even see a baby)  I would promise to give our lives devoted to Him.  Now isn't it just like a human to make a bargain deal with the Lord ha.  Looking back now this cracks me up thinking how I was telling God if He would do this ...then I would be the Christian I was suppose to be anyways. ...Anyways I laid in bed crying and praying for two weeks.  My next appointment was scheduled on my 21st birthday.  My mom and one of my cousins decided to both take me there for support.  Everyone was prepared for the worse...I knew this would either be the worse or best birthday ever.  Well let me jump ahead bc I get a little excited and say THIS WAS THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!  It was a miracle and I am sure some are going to think I am crazy which is one of the reasons I am so glad I had people with me to also witness what I am sharing....That once empty sac was now full of a bundle of joy..I lie you not..I get cold chills every time i think of this!!  Not only was there a baby but it had a healthy heartbeat!!!  There is absolutely no other explanation other than GOD GAVE ME A MIRACLE!!  Two weeks ago I had an empty sac now I had a baby in there with a beating heart!!  THANK YOU GOD FOR MY MIRACLE!!!  I do not thank him enough for showing us all how powerful He can be and how magical  He is.  I went on to deliver a healthy boy 7.5 months later!!!  After he was born we got married and I thought things were going to go great!!
Now after he was born I remembered my promise to God. He gave me my miracle and I had to get back in church...and I did...for a while.  Kelly was still struggling with his loss of his dad and was gone all the time.  Even he will tell you I basically raised Caleb (at first) all alone.  We fought a lot and I went back into my depression.  I was lonely, scared, and sad.  The only thing that made me happy and kept me going was my son!  I knew I had to be strong for him, and I tried my best.  Well when he was around a year old I found out we I was pregnant again.  of course I was thrilled.  Caleb brought more joy and happiness to me and the bond we had/have was more than I can ever describe!  Again I made a deal with God to let me have another healthy baby and THIS TIME I would for sure give my life to Him in return.  (still thinking I called the shots) Well once again God gave me another baby.  This time it was a girl and she was born around 6-7 weeks premature.  I did not even get a glance of her for over 24 hours !!!  I am not even joking!  She was having problems breathing and blood issues along with other issues.  But God once again gave me another miracle and Karsyn pulled through too.  She is the sweetest little girl with the biggest heart of any person I know.  Now I knew I had to keep my end of "MY" deal for sure this time.  And again I did..for the most part..when it was good for me.  When I could fit it in my schedule I would go to church, etc.  Sadly it was still not my top priority...  And I was about to head back down into another valley of depression.

My Testimony :Part 2 {ANGELS}

So now that you know a brief history of my childhood and youth let me continue.(if you missed yesterdays post click here)  So Kelly and I had been dating for a while when the time came for me to go to college (see Professional Student Post) and you will learn I missed him too much and could not stand being away from him.  He was the one who kept me going!  Away from him I could feel myself sinking back down and my poor self image getting worse.(note: while I was much happier I never got over my self image issues and still struggles with depression and anxieties)   So I came home after a semester and moved into an apartment with my oldest sister.  Well Kelly and I were together all the time.  I did everything with him.  I was so happy!!  I was in school (one of them, ha) and we were happy!  Then my sister decided to move back in with our mom for a while so I knew I couldn't stay at the apt. myself so I moved home also for a short time.  Although I usually ended up staying over at Kelly's house (well his dads really).  

Now Kelly has always been very involved in something...Dirt track racing, professional four wheeler racing, fixing up mustangs, drag racing, fishing, etc, etc, etc.  And I will remind you that up until around this period, whatever he did and wherever he went ...I WENT and DID.  (ok so I never raced but I was there and his biggest fan) Well slowly we did less and less together.  =(

Well as years past by we experienced the loss of K's dad...which was extremely hard on both of us. They were super close and over the years I had became very close to him as well. 

After his dad passed away K didn't stay home much at all...and left me there.  I knew he needed to be alone and this was his way of coping with his loss.  But then only a few months after his dad died I got a BIG SURPRISE:  I was pregnant!!!  I was so excited!!!  Now I am not so sure my family was (since we were not married, i was still in school etc) but I was.  I had always dreamed of being a mom (what little girl doesn't ..well most do, dont they)  and I thought this would bring Kelly and I back together and at the same time give me the perfect friend.  Now this was the happiest I had ever been (after the initial shock and fear of telling him and my parents).  Kelly was scared to death but still very supportive and excited.  

My family never turned me away either. Actually my mom took me shopping for my maternity clothes when i started getting big and was buying things for us for the baby etc.  Again I was the happiest I had ever been.  Then in the moments notice my life was turned back upside down.  I was at cosmetology school and went to the bathroom only to find blood all over my panties :( scared to death I knew this couldn't be a good sign.  A classmate rushed me to the ER and Kelly and my mom met us there.  I had to wait FOREVER to be seen only to be told I  would have to go to my hometown hospital/doctors office for any further treatment..I KNOW CRAZY!!!  Well so I get to my doctors office and they give me my ultrasound ...only now the doctor informs us not only am I pregnant but with TWINS!  He said I had some medical term word I didn't understand, but basically a "double uterus"  and the second baby was hidden and hard for previous ultrasound to show.   Now I am floored with emotions...YAY two babies, but wait are they ok??  The Dr put me on complete bed rest and told me one baby was good but  the other baby did not seem to being doing well at all.  I remember him saying something about baby A holding on to baby B....excuse my tears this is still very hard to remember and all a blur.  I went home only to start having SEVERE pains and what they described at my next visit to the ER as labor pains.  My body was going into labor and I was going to lose a baby or babies.  Well I was out of control and feel sorry for anyone who had to be around me because no one was going to take my baby.  Well then the dr comes in and says they are both gone...and no he was not very sweet about telling me.  So all I can remember next is them HAVING no choice but to put me to sleep and when I woke up I knew they were both in heaven.  Now I still have very hard issues with this subject and still felt like something else could of been done...maybe it is just  denial i don't know but there is not a single day I do not think about my twins.  They were my first babies and my kids now know they are their guardian angels!  I love them FOREVER and can't wait till the day I can hold them tightly in my arms. Until then....I have came to peace knowing they will never suffer or feel any pain.  They will never shed a tear and they are so lucky to only live such a perfect life with our Father in heaven.  I was sad when K's dad passed away, then I was sad thinking how our babies would not have the chance to know their grandfather...but know they are all 3 in heaven together. I know they are having a great time and I tell them everyday.... MOMMY LOVES YOU!!!

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{To be continued....Do I share part 3 today as well or tomorrow?}

My testimony:Part 1

OK well here goes...I pray that this will make some sense and apologize in advance for any rambleing and "jumping around"
This has been much harder than I imagined BUT I do feel very passionate about it and sharing our testimonies and how God has always  and continues to be there for me all of my life!!

I am going to start out my testimony by laying the foundation of my life and who I am....  Hello, I am Cat and I LOVE GOD above all else.  I have fully committed my life to Him and will serve him for the rest of my days.  Sadly I must admit my faith has not always been this strong.  Now I was raised in church.  Actually I didn't even have a choice.  My parents always made my sisters and I go to church.  My parents were also involved in church.  I was saved and baptized around the age of 10.  I remember being so excited to get to know the Lord and attend church.  I had many friends at church and regularly attended church activities.  Up until I was approximately in the 8th grade I looked forward to church and any church activity.  I can remember at even a much younger age telling my parents I was going to be a missionary or preacher.....something in the ministry!  Well little did anyone know I would quickly turn my back on my faith and take my life into my own hands (if that is what you would even call it??)
As long as I can remember I have severely struggled with my self image and as I got older it only got worse.  It went form poor self image to complete depression and hatred for myself.  I had no respect for myself.  I no longer cared to go to church, as a matter of fact I dreaded it and would "skip" it quite frequently.  I remember being so mad at my mom for making me go.  I was more concerned when and where the next "party" was.  I became a BIG partier...I wont list all the details but I did several things no one would be proud of.  I was quickly heading down my downward spiral.  Little did many know I had hit ROCK BOTTOM.  I had no care in the world.  "I just wanted to have fun"...just not the good and healthy type of fun.  On several occasions I thought of ending my own life. I gave my parents one heck of a ride...or RIDES!!  This lifestyle went on for several years.  I visited numerous counselors, experienced several therapy sessions, (lied to everyone) and ran away from all my problems.  I felt I had no hope...
I am pretty sure if it wouldn't of been for this one boy who really caught my attention that I would of kept living my life this wrong way...BUT God sent me an angel in disguise.  (Guess what that angel is my husband now)  Neither one of us realized it at the time...and he sure didn't realize the pain i was personally experiencing (SEE i was REALLY good at hiding it all...if you would of met me I seriously doubt you would of guessed I was depressed, hated myself, and thought of giving up). Ok well anyways I ran into this guy who I liked in middle school and had not seen in years.  I was excited and immediately got goose bumps and butterflies.  I can still remember it like it was yesterday.  (and he still gives me those same feelings) I thought to myself he would never talk to me now, want to date me now etc.  But THANKFULLY I WAS WRONG =)  and guess what he got me away from my party girl lifestyle. Now many of my "friends" stopped talking to me when I started dating him and since he wasn't interested in going to their parties, neither was I.  I now no longer cared about doing the things I did at those parties, now for the first time in a really long time I felt respected, appreciated, and happy!!!
I still to this day feel he saved my life, and even if I do not tell him I will never forget the way he treated me different than anyone else ever had.  I knew from the first moment I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him!!  (Thank you for everything hunny...LOVE you forever...I know I do not thank him enough)
Actually I owe my parents and the hubby several apologies and thank you...for putting up with me and never giving up..for always loving me!!!

So regardless what everyone told me, I knew Kelly would never let me go ..and still to this day he has not!!

Now there is still more of my journey to who and where I am today..BUT I am thinking this post is already long enough (sorry)  I hope I haven't scared anyone away.  I PROMISE it gets better and I am such a better and stronger person because of all these things you have read and will continue to read!!!  GOD IS SO GOOD!!!

OK I am REALLY nervous about hitting the Publish button...PLease do not judge me by my past.  I DO NOT LIVE THERE ANYMORE!!!
Hope you will be willing to read more.  This is a lot harder to write than I had imagined and I am still struggling with it...the emotions are overflowing.  I just hope I can offer some encouragement and inspiration to someone.

TGIF

Happy Friday everyone!  I have not been ignoring everyone today but I went on the field trip today with my daughter.  We went to the Asheville Nature Center.  It was the first time for both me and my daughter and we had a blast.  We saw a few different animals and learned about insects....Karsyn got scared Ha...she is so my daughter.  I do not like bugs!!

Anyways today I am sharing how I am thankful for my past.  LONG story short I have had one wild past and it was not always pretty.  I have been through a lot in my life from depression, a wild party lifestyle, loss of my twins, my life almost falling apart at times, parents divorce, and so much more.  My past is one of the main reasons I feel I have been called by God to pursue counseling.  I feel with my past experiences I will be able to relate to many and I want to share how God has worked in my life.  It is by Him and only HIm that I am here today and the person I am today.  Once I gave my life completley to God my life turned around.  Now I am not saying its always easy now but I am happy now and live my life 100% for God!!!  Anyways I know now why I had to encounter all the pain and suffering I did.  Each experience (the good and the bad) has formed me in to the person I am today.  It has helped me to be a better person and to be able to empathize with so many.  I have such a strong passion now to be there for others and help anyone I possibly can.  

When I used to curse God for my life I now thank Him for EVERYTHING.  Listen to people when they say "everything happens for a reason" as I truly believe it does.  God does not make mistakes!!  There are still things I do not have the answers for but that is okay, maybe I don't need answers.  I just trust God and know he has a plan.  And you better believe it is an awesome one!!!  

Here are some quotes I like..you can find more here!!  

Have a blessed day and TGIF....Today God Is First